Best Moms of Mythology - 2014

Welcome — ladies and gentlemen, gods and goddesses, monsters and mythic creatures — to the annual B-MOM Awards. Yes, it’s time once again to celebrate the Best Moms of Mythology.

[The crowd roars, brays, snorts, and stomps.]

And here she is now, our first nominee for 2014, the one, the only. . .Helen of Troy, most beautiful woman in the world (not counting Jennifer Lopez), even after giving birth to her darling daughter Iphigenia. 

You no doubt read in the tabloids about Helen’s marriage to King Menelaus (rhymes with “chaos”) of Sparta and how the King called all his nobles to a council, making them promise to come to his defense should anything unfortunate befall his blushing bride. Paris, prince of Troy, took one look at Helen and was smitten. He abducted Helen, and Menelaus and his cronies fought the Trojan War to get her back.

If only Paris hadn't posted this picture of the abduction
to Facebook, he might have gotten away with it.

There was blood. There was pain. There were swords clashing and women screaming and a lot of grunting and cussing. It was glorious. . .for the Spartans, who really dug that sort of thing.

So let’s hear it for “the face that launched a thousand ships”—Helen of Troy!

[Whistles and cat calls!]

And now, twirling her dark Dior cloak, here comes Nyx, daughter of Chaos and Darkness, and mother of Destiny! And um, also mother of Fate, Death, Sleep, Pain, Retribution, Deceit, Friendship, Old Age, and Strife. We can only imagine the stretch marks that cloak conceals, and we’re guessing that’s why she opted out of the swimsuit competition earlier today.

Would you believe it? Nyx — aka "Night" — is also the Mother of Day. Nyx resides in an upscale condo in the realm of Tartarus, with a panoramic view of the dark. When Day enters Tartarus, Nyx leaves. When Nyx returns, Day leaves, making family reunions rather problematic.

Purple and red and ready for bed. . .let’s give it up for…yawwwwn. . . Nyx! Why am I so darn sleepy all of a sudden?

[Snoring sounds echo through the hall.]

Ah, and here’s the charming Thetis. Rumor has it that at one time Zeus himself was sending this girl flowers and candy grams, but she spurned his advances. However, when Zeus found out that Thetis was fated to bear a son mightier than his father, he gave her as a bride to Peleus, a heck of a guy but — alas — a mere mortal.

When a son was born to Thetis and Peleus, Thetis became the Patron Saint of Overprotective Moms. Grasping the infant by one foot, she dipped baby Achilles in the river Styx to make him invulnerable. When a seer said her son would die in battle, she disguised the poor kid as a girl and sent him to an island in the Aegean.  When he enlisted in the army anyway, she asked the blacksmith Hephaestus to make a special sword and shield for divine protection.

Despite all this smothering, Achilles fought valiantly in the Trojan War and never again wore a dress (as far as we know). But alas, Thetis had forgotten one eensy little thing. When she dipped her baby in the Styx, she held him by the heel, and so his heel was unprotected. But only his heel, right? Sadly, Achilles bit the dust after Paris’ arrow pierced his heel. I mean, what are the odds?

Hey, at least she tried. So put your hands together for Thetis!

[Faint claps. Some people are still snoring.]

And now, the amazing Leto, goddess of Motherhood — a Lady Titan, bride of Zeus, and mother of famous twins. You will recall that in the talent show, she knit a pair of booties in 12 seconds flat. Very impressive.

When the goddess Hera discovered that Leto was pregnant and that Zeus was the daddy, she got all puffy-eyed and red in the face. She was like "Leto, I forbid you to give birth anywhere on 'terra firma' — the mainland or any island of the sea." Which is just about anywhere and everywhere. Leto fled from town to town, with the jealous Hera in hot pursuit, always driving her on. (It might have helped if Leto had disabled the GPS in her cell phone….)

Now Leto had read What to Expect When You’re Expecting, but “pursuit by an angry goddess” wasn’t in the table of contents. The book said to drink plenty of water. But in Lycia, Leto tried to drink water from a pond, but the peasants stirred up the muddy bottom to make the water undrinkable. (Leto turned them into frogs and kept wandering.) All she wanted was a place to sit in a rocker and knit booties. Finally, Leto was received on Delos, a floating island (and therefore a legal loophole), where she was able to have her babies, Apollo and Artemis.

So how about a nice Olympian hand clap for Lady Leto.

[Loud thunderclap! Crowd stirs and begins singing "We will, we will rock you."]

Thanks for that gesture, Zeus. I think the judges are ready to. . . wait! Oh no! It can't be! Hera has entered the theater and she looks mad. Um, somebody call security! I'm sorry, Ma'am, but you can't just. . . .well, maybe you can. She’s up on the stage, face to face with Leto. 

Hera's driver's license photo

Hera has a sword, and Leto is unarmed. Wait. Apollo has drawn his bow to defend his mother, but can he save her in time?

Oooooooh. That had to hurt. Leto just stabbed Hera with a knitting needle. Hera is crying and wearing a pouty face.

Good jab, Leto. Revenge at last. And our judges have reached their decision. Leto wins this year’s B-MOM Award! I think the bootie-knitting thing really put her over the top.

Achilles' driver's license photo

Congratulations, Leto. Here’s your trophy. 

[Angry shouts, hooves trampling, harpies shrieking...]

And now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for the usual free-for-all that always follows this event. Achilles, could I borrow that shield, please? No, really. Give it to me. . . .Cut to commercial. Now!

Want to see B-MOM ceremonies from other years?

B-MOM's 2018 - Best Mom's 2018 

B-MOM's 2012 - Best Mom's 2012

Best Moms of Mythology

Oscars? Lame. Grammies? Who needs 'em! We’re here at the annual Best Moms of Mythology Awards--the B-MOM's--waiting  for the first blingy stilletos to hit the red carpet.

I guess we’ll have to wait a little longer, because here comes Echidna, mother of all monsters in Greek mythology—and she prefers to go. . .barefoot. Is that Valentino or Lauren she’s wearing? Seriously, that off-the-shoulder  gown does nothing to hide her figure flaws. Sure, from the waist up, she’s a knock-out--but from the waist down, she's a writhing serpent. Some of Echidna’s charming children include the Hydra (a many headed sea serpent), Cerberus (a three-headed dog that stands guard at the gate of the underworld), the Chimera (a fire-breathing lion-snake-goat combo), the Caucasian Eagle (a bird that feasted on Prometheus’s liver), and Medusa, the lady with snakes for hair.

And now, a vision in burlap! Feast your eyes on the Corn Mother of Native Amercian lore. The Corn Mother was a beautiful maiden who married her true love. After a long, hard winter, her tribe was facing certain starvation. The young squaw told her husband, "There is only one way to save our people. You must kill me and scatter my body over the ground." The man could not, would not believe her plea. But at last, in utter desperation, he did as she had asked. From the earth sprang a new crop of corn and the tribe was saved. And not long after, corn fritters were invented. So next time you eat a corn dog, you can remember Corn Mother. Or not.

Here’s another interesting design choice. Haumea, a  Hawaian goddess, is wearing a retro muu-muu from Dior? Gucci? No! Judging by certain stylistic elements and the tag hanging from her sleeve, I'd say the Hawaian collection from Walmart. She is the mother of Pele, Kapo, and a bunch of kids with 15-syllable names. The Corn Mother gave the gift of corn, and what did Haumea give us? Childbirth. I kid you not. She is said to have invented the method that we think of as natural childbirth--the kind where you pray for drugs and some wiseacre keeps saying, "Push, push, push." Put down those rocks, Ladies! Before you stone Haumea, bear in mind that according to legend, all births before this were done by C-section. 

Now that’s what I call a stretch limo! The driver is opening the door, and here she is, the mother of Heimdallr, from Norse mythology. The driver is opening another door, and out steps—déjà vu—the mother of Heimdallr. He’s opening a third door. . .and out steps. . .can anybody guess? Yes, these are the Nine Mothers of Heimdallr, nine sisters who somehow collaborated to give birth to one son. A regular kid might expect to forget about his homework or feed his veggies to the dog now and then. With 18 eyes watching him and nine moms nagging him, poor Heimdallr didn't stand a chance.

Hold everything. Now that is one classy chariot. And here comes Isis, worshipped in ancient Egypt as the ideal wife and mother. That dress is a wardrobe malfunction just waiting to happen. The paparazzi went crazy when this nonconformist celebrity married her brother Osirus and gave birth to Horus, the god of war. That iconic headdress is a whopper. It’s shaped like a throne, and I guess that works, since she is also considered to be the mother of the pharaoh.

Who will win the award tonight? Who will be the Best Mom in Mythology? All the B-MOM nominees are impressive. But I'm rooting for Echidna. Mostly because, if she loses, her kids may wreak havoc on the theater and the audience and the planet. 

Oh never mind. Chuck Norris' mom just pulled up on her Harley. I think we're safe! 

Happy Mother's Day from the Stark Raving Mythopath!

B-MOM Awards for 2014, click here! 
B-MOM's for 2018, click here!