Glossary

A GLOSSARY OF BIG-TIME, BIG-BUCKS WRITER TERMS

By Patty Kyrlach

ADVANCE—Millions of dollars in currency, negotiable bonds, and gold bars sent to you by your publisher. . .right before the anesthetic wears off and you re-enter your body


AUTHOR OMNISCIENT—A know-it-all who once wrote a book


BLANK VERSE—A poetic form which usually signals the need to change the ink cartridge in your printer


BYLINE—Credit given to you, the author, after an editor has completely rewritten your piece


CLICHES—Old expressions, which like old shoes, wear well but smell bad 

COMPUTER—A device that reduces writing to electronic impulses and writers to tears


COPYRIGHT—Legal proof that I stole this idea before you did


EDITOR—A mail clerk in charge of attaching form letters to manuscripts and returning them unread


EDITORIAL GUIDELINES—The mail clerk's suggestions on how you can make her job easier


FEATURE ARTICLE—Any article that I write 


FILLER—Any article that you write


FREE VERSE—Poetry you send to a journal that PAYS IN COPIES

FREELANCE WRITING—A fail-proof weight-loss plan that reduces the amount of income available for buying food  (Caution:  discontinue if dizziness or death occurs.   Do not operate heavy machinery while on the diet.  Pregnant or nursing mothers should consult a physician.) 


KILL FEE—A large sum of money, usually in foreign currency, paid by an editor to a professional hit-man when a writer really ticks him off


MAINSTREAM—A teensy trickle running off the river of Romance, Fantasy, Gothic, Mystery, Sci-Fi, and all the stuff people actually read 


MS.—A lady writer (MSS.—Two lady writers  MSSSSSSSS.—A lady writer being swallowed by a cobra)


NOM DE PLUME—A false name used by writers who malign living relatives with Mafia connections

PAYS IN COPIES—An ingenious editorial ploy whereby they pay you with your own product  (Warning:  don't try this in the grocery store.)


PAYS ON ACCEPTANCE—A post-Machiavellian plan of economics whereby a writer is paid during her lifetime


PAYS ON PUBLICATION—For those dear saints who do not want to lay up treasures on this earth where moths corrupt and thieves break in and steal


RIGHTS—Your rights as a writer:  First Rights—You have the right to remain silent. . .  Second Rights—You have the right to an attorney. . . Last Rites—see FREELANCE WRITING


SASE—An acronym for the Publishing Imperative: Stiff the Authors, Save the Editors

SUBSIDY PUBLISHING—The one publishing system that always results in prompt payment—since you pay. . . (Oddly enough, these people rarely accept PAYMENT IN COPIES or even PAYMENT ON PUBLICATION)


UNSOLICITED MANUSCRIPT—Writing that is totally uncalled for


WORK-FOR-HIRE—An arrangement with a publisher whereby you sign away copyrights, movie rights, oil and mineral rights, and your first born child

WORKING ON SPEC—A 12-step program for writers who are compulsive gamblers   


WRITER'S BLOCK—An economically depressed district of Greenwich Village


WRITERS CONFERENCE—Unbridled revelry in the name of educational enrichment