Best Moms of Mythology

Oscars? Lame. Grammies? Who needs 'em! We’re here at the annual Best Moms of Mythology Awards--the B-MOM's--waiting  for the first blingy stilletos to hit the red carpet.

I guess we’ll have to wait a little longer, because here comes Echidna, mother of all monsters in Greek mythology—and she prefers to go. . .barefoot. Is that Valentino or Lauren she’s wearing? Seriously, that off-the-shoulder  gown does nothing to hide her figure flaws. Sure, from the waist up, she’s a knock-out--but from the waist down, she's a writhing serpent. Some of Echidna’s charming children include the Hydra (a many headed sea serpent), Cerberus (a three-headed dog that stands guard at the gate of the underworld), the Chimera (a fire-breathing lion-snake-goat combo), the Caucasian Eagle (a bird that feasted on Prometheus’s liver), and Medusa, the lady with snakes for hair.

And now, a vision in burlap! Feast your eyes on the Corn Mother of Native Amercian lore. The Corn Mother was a beautiful maiden who married her true love. After a long, hard winter, her tribe was facing certain starvation. The young squaw told her husband, "There is only one way to save our people. You must kill me and scatter my body over the ground." The man could not, would not believe her plea. But at last, in utter desperation, he did as she had asked. From the earth sprang a new crop of corn and the tribe was saved. And not long after, corn fritters were invented. So next time you eat a corn dog, you can remember Corn Mother. Or not.

Here’s another interesting design choice. Haumea, a  Hawaian goddess, is wearing a retro muu-muu from Dior? Gucci? No! Judging by certain stylistic elements and the tag hanging from her sleeve, I'd say the Hawaian collection from Walmart. She is the mother of Pele, Kapo, and a bunch of kids with 15-syllable names. The Corn Mother gave the gift of corn, and what did Haumea give us? Childbirth. I kid you not. She is said to have invented the method that we think of as natural childbirth--the kind where you pray for drugs and some wiseacre keeps saying, "Push, push, push." Put down those rocks, Ladies! Before you stone Haumea, bear in mind that according to legend, all births before this were done by C-section. 

Now that’s what I call a stretch limo! The driver is opening the door, and here she is, the mother of Heimdallr, from Norse mythology. The driver is opening another door, and out steps—déjà vu—the mother of Heimdallr. He’s opening a third door. . .and out steps. . .can anybody guess? Yes, these are the Nine Mothers of Heimdallr, nine sisters who somehow collaborated to give birth to one son. A regular kid might expect to forget about his homework or feed his veggies to the dog now and then. With 18 eyes watching him and nine moms nagging him, poor Heimdallr didn't stand a chance.

Hold everything. Now that is one classy chariot. And here comes Isis, worshipped in ancient Egypt as the ideal wife and mother. That dress is a wardrobe malfunction just waiting to happen. The paparazzi went crazy when this nonconformist celebrity married her brother Osirus and gave birth to Horus, the god of war. That iconic headdress is a whopper. It’s shaped like a throne, and I guess that works, since she is also considered to be the mother of the pharaoh.

Who will win the award tonight? Who will be the Best Mom in Mythology? All the B-MOM nominees are impressive. But I'm rooting for Echidna. Mostly because, if she loses, her kids may wreak havoc on the theater and the audience and the planet. 

Oh never mind. Chuck Norris' mom just pulled up on her Harley. I think we're safe! 

Happy Mother's Day from the Stark Raving Mythopath!

B-MOM Awards for 2014, click here! 
B-MOM's for 2018, click here!