Weather. . .Or Not

NARRATOR: Do you remember the story that Mr. Aesop told long ago about a contest between the Sun and the Wind?  They tried to see which one could get a man to take his coat off.  The Sun won, and most people think that was the end of it.  But alas, Dear Readers, that was only the beginning. . .

              

WIND:  [Wind whooshes in]  So, Hot Stuff. . .

SUN:    Are YOU. . .talking to. . .ME?

WIND:  Yeah.  How about a rematch?

SUN:     Rematch?  I beat you fair and square.  You huffed and you puffed, but you couldn't get the man to take his coat off.  He only pulled it tighter!

WIND: Yeah, yeah -- and then you cranked up the heat 

            and he took it off.  Big deal.

SUN:     I won.

WIND:  Yes, but you cheated.

SUN:    Did not!

WIND: Did too.  I ought to just poof out your pilot light.

SUN:   I ought to blister your backside.

WIND: Pl‑lease.  Let's settle this like civilized beings.

SUN:   So whadya have in mind?

WIND: A contest.  Winner takes all. 

SUN:   What contest?

WIND: This time let's see who can make. . .

SUN:    A cake?

WIND:  No fair.  You can bake it.

SUN:    Then I'll win.  

WIND:   I've got it.  Let's see who can make a kite fly.

SUN:     No fair.  You're a big blow-hard.  

WIND:   Then I'LL win.

SUN:     Your ideas are dumb!

WIND:   NOW I've GOT it.  Oh, I AM a genius!

SUN:     What?            

WIND:   For the next month, let's see who can control the weather.  You try to bring Summer in and I'll try to keep it Winter.

SUN:      That's it?  That's your great idea?  Too easy. 

WIND:    Oh, you think so?

SUN:      Piece of cake.

WIND:    Your over‑confidence will make my victory all the sweeter.  So, do we have a deal?

SUN:      Deal.

[They shake on it.]

NARRATOR: So for the first few days of the new month, the wind did a lot of whooshing and swooshing.

WIND:   Whooooooooooooosh!  Swooooooooooooosh!  

              Cough, cough.

SUN:     Hey, Genius! Aren't you afraid you'll blow your brains out?

WIND:    Rooooooooar!  March just came in like a Lion.  Pretty impressive, don't you think?  I'm not one to rub it in. . .

SUN:     [Sarcastically] Of course not. . .

WIND:   But. . .I'M WINNING!

SUN:     Not exactly.  The children are all outdoors riding bikes.

WIND:    In their jackets.

SUN:      But no hats.

WIND:    [Mumbles]  Guess I should work on the hat thing.

SUN:      Oh, and do you hear something?

WIND:    What?  Who's singing?  What's a robin doing here? 

               In WINTER?

SUN:     Summer.

WIND:   We'll see.

SUN:     What's that supposed to mean?

NARRATOR:    Later that month. . .

SUN:      Seriously? Snow?  Awwwww, come on! Yesterday it looked like Spring.  Today, there's snow and ice.

WIND:    I, um, made a little trip north and brought back a blast of Arctic air.  Ahhhhhhhhhh.  [Pounds chest]  Refreshing, isn't it? 

SUN:      A‑a‑a‑choo!  Oh, my sinuses!

WIND:   So. . .you wanna build a snow‑man?

SUN:     [blows nose]  I most emphatically do NOT. 

WIND:   [scoops up a snowball and hurls it at the Sun]  I'm winning.  I LIKE winning.  Winning is fun.

SUN:     How would you know?

WIND:   What's that supposed to mean?

SUN:     Have you noticed the oak tree?

WIND:   Looks okay to me.  Snow on every branch. 

SUN:     Look around the trunk.

WIND:   Wha-a-a-at?  Flowers?  A‑choo!  Oh, my allergies!  What are flowers doing in the snow?

SUN:      Off‑hand, I'd say they're blooming.

WIND:    This is an outrage! 

SUN:      Thanks. From you, that's a compliment.

NARRATOR: This quarrel went on day after day until the end of the month.

WIND:    Okay -- where'd you go?  Where are you hiding?  What are you up to?

SUN:      . . .Surprise!  [Spreads out her arms]  How do you like my. . .RAINBOW? Ta da!

WIND:    Oh sure, take all the credit.  If I hadn't blown the mist into just the right position. . .

SUN:      It was such a NICE day, I thought all it needed was a pop of color.  Looks like I'm winning, not to rub it in.

WIND:    Don't count your chickens. . .

SUN:      Meaning what?

WIND:    You tell me.  What do the words killer frost mean 

               to you?

SUN:      You wouldn't dare!

WIND:    Watch me.

SUN:     You'll murder my magnolias!  My crocuses are croaking!

WIND:   Casualties of war.

SUN:     War crimes, you mean.  You leave me no choice.  March may have come in like a lion, but it's going out like a lamb‑to‑the‑slaughter.

WIND:  Oh, yeah?  How about some icicles?

SUN:    How about POP‑sicles?

WIND:   Drizzle!

SUN:     Sizzle!

WIND:   Monsoons!

SUN:     Balloons!

WIND:  I'll bring back the glaciers.

SUN:   I'll melt the ice-caps.

WIND: Oh yeah?  How about some sleet?  Sleet, slush, 

            and slop -- take that!

SUN:    Yuk!  How about a nice sunburn?

WIND:  Won't work.

SUN:    Why not?

WIND:  It's night now -- you've already set.  And I'm gonna 

             howl and growl all night.  Ow-owwwwwwwwww!!!

[SOUND OF TOWER CLOCK CHIMING: Gong, gong, 

             gong. . . .]

NARRATOR:    A clock strikes midnight on March 31^st.

WIND:  [Jumping up and down]  It's over, and I won. I won!

SUN:    In your dreams, Wind-bag! 

WIND:  Oh yeah?  Well at least half of March has been 

             cold and nasty. 

SUN:    Well, half has been sunny and bright.

WIND:    I can't stand here arguing with you.  It's time for tornadoes in the Midwest.  We'll have to settle this next year.

SUN:      You bet we will.  And I know who'll win.

WIND:    Yeah. ME!

SUN:      Ha!  We'll see.

SUN & WIND: Same time, next year!

NARRATOR: To this very day, the Sun and the Wind battle it out each year, which probably explains why weather in the month of March is a crazy‑quilt.  If March comes in like a lion, it goes out like a lamb -- or vice versa.  Sudden spring.  Sudden snow.  Kites and crocus.  Birdcalls and snowballs.    The last snow day of the school year.  It's kind of fun.  March has a lot of personality -- even if it's a split personality.

So if you find March just a tad confusing. . . .

WIND: I won!

SUN:   No, I won!

NARRATOR:  . . .you aren't the only one. 

Want to know more about why March is so crazy, why it gets my vote for the year's Most Mythic Month? Click here.

Image credits:
    The Wind and the Sun poem - Contributing Library: New York Public Library, 
        Public Domain
    Sun emblem - © Can Stock Photo / nalakatst
    Wind blowing - © Can Stock Photo / cteconsulting
    Robin - Author: HlnBC
    Crocus - Author: Jean-Marc Rosier
    Crocus in snow - Photographer: AnRo0002
    Rainbow -  © Can Stock Photo / Krisdog
    Angry sun - © Can Stock Photo / yayayoyo
    Tornado - © Can Stock Photo / pangeran
    Children flying a kite - Victorian Trade Cards Collection, Public Domain

A Month for Mythopaths

The sky is blue; the birds are tweeting. (Disambiguation: the birds are singing, not using a popular social networking service.)

Meanwhile your cat is eyeballing the birdies and licking his lips. So you hop in the Honda and go to Walmart to get cat food. You are, of course, dressed for a blue sky, bird-tweeting  kind of day. But before you get back home with two bags of stuff you didn't intend to buy, you’re wishing you had brought your jacket. Or your umbrella. Or maybe even your snow shoes and an inflatable igloo.

Welcome to the  mad, mercurial, and very mythic month of March. If ever there were a month for mythopaths, March is that month.

In like a lion  –  March takes its name from Mars, the Roman god of war. And the name suits it well, for in this month, Winter and Spring seem to duke it out for supremacy. Hence the unpredictability of the weather. But whether March comes in like a lion or a lamb—or even if it sneaks in like an illegal alien—spring always wins. 

Mad as a March Hare – In this month, normally shy and demure rabbits exhibit rather eccentric behavior. March hares may have “boxing matches” with other rabbits or suddenly leap up into the air. These bizarre bunnies gave rise to the expression “mad as a march hare.” Um, did I mention that in Europe, where this saying originated, March is the mating season for rabbits? In the words of William Makepeace Thackeray, “Love makes fools of us all.”

The Ides of March – March 15th  [Cue creepy music.] The Romans—those same loveable math whizzes who gave us Roman numerals—had a complicated system for keeping track of dates. (Why are we not surprised?) The Ides of March simply means the middle of the month, the 15^th. But the Ides acquired a more sinister connotation when Julius Caesar was assassinated on that date. Apparently, he should have listened to the nagging crooked-toothed oracle who said, “Beware the Ides of March.” 


But in present day America, we're more likely to dread the "Ides of April"--the day taxes are due.

Vernal Equinox – on or around the 20^th of March  -- If you live in a temperate climate with four distinct seasons, you are blessed. The changing of the seasons tells an epic tale, the annual hero's journey of the earth. But no season change is more epic than the return of spring (life) after the long months of winter (death). Life wins, and that is always something to celebrate.

St. Patrick’s Day -- March 17th   -  St. Patrick, symbol of all things Irish, did not willingly go to the Emerald Isle. At least, not the first time. At age 16, he was kidnapped from his home in Roman Britain and carried off to Ireland as a slave. After six years, he escaped to a port and sailed back to his home.

But that’s when the real story begins. In a vision, Patrick received a call to return to Ireland. He heard the Irish people crying in one voice, “We appeal to you, holy servant boy, to come and walk among us.” Many mythic tales have sprung up around this saint, but none can rival the simple true story of his return to the land of his captivity, this time as a missionary. He converted and baptized thousands into the Christian faith.

Alice dines with the March Hare

March also has the usual assortment of myth-and-legend miscellany.

• St. David's Day (the 1st)
• Dr. Seuss's birthday (the 2nd)
• Johnny Appleseed Day (the 11th)
• Pi Day (3.14--get it?)
• Swallows return to San Juan Capistrano (~ the 19th)
• Future birthday of Captain James T. Kirk (the 22nd)
• Kate diCamillo's birthday (the 25th)
• Tolkien Reading Day (the 25th) 

(Okay, so maybe Pi Day isn't mythic, but it's a hoot.)

Mad March gets my vote for most mythic month of the year, but I’m afraid I can’t stay and argue the point. Wouldn't you know? I have to run to Walmart for cat food. . . .