Saturday, December 8, 2012

The Nerd Mall

Yesterday I talked my poor husband into taking me to a big mall. I thought we'd visit some of the science stores that I remembered from a few years ago.

Epic fail.

We walked and walked past clothing stores, bath and beauty stores, more clothing stores, toy stores, more clothing stores, blah-blah-blah stores, and even more clothing stores 

A couple of times I thought we were getting somewhere. There was a store called "Bare Minerals." Oh boy, I thought. Rocks.

Not rocks. Make-up.

My heart skipped a beat when the sign said "Fossils." I envisioned polished trilobites and chambered nautiluses. Nope. Fossils sells clothes.

No science stores. No book stores. Apparently the mall now caters to well-dressed people with under-fed minds.

How I wish someone would open a Nerd Mall, for all the stuff I can't get at the regular mall. This mall would sell the important things, stuff you really need. . . . 
  • Maps of Middle-earth hand-drawn on aged parchment
  • Star Trek (original series) communicators
  • Action figures of Thor and Loki from The Avengers
  • vintage comic books
  • rock polishing kits (extra nerd points with this purchase)
  • real fossils

  • Tartis and Dalek Christmas ornaments
  • A sonic screwdriver
  • tee shirts with Snoopy writing cartoons
  • a replica of the diary in Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade
  • Beatrix Potter prints and figurines
  • Harry Potter glasses

  • elven cloaks
  • suits of armor, chain mail, mithril
  • swords and bejeweled daggers
  • video games based on myth and puzzle-solving
  • DVD's of "The Making of the Making of the Making of LOTR"--with extra footage!
  • a DVD of October Sky with model rocket included
  • math puzzles, word games, trading cards

Oh yeah, and it goes without saying, but just in case it doesn't--BOOKS! This mall would have many book stores, featuring all kinds of wonderful children's picture books, mythology, fairy tales, science fiction, fantasy--and old books and rare books.

Stores would have names like Stones and Bones (archaeology), The Petrified Forest (paleontology), Everything Dickens, Legend & Lore, The Shark's Tooth (oceanography), Once Upon Time (special relativity), Alternate Universe (quantum mechanics), and Inklings, Inc.

In the courtyards, musicians would play and dancers would dance. Potters, painters, and basket weavers would work their arts. You might pause to attend a performance by actors or acrobats or a lecture by a visiting scientist. And there would be plenty of tea and coffee shops where you can ponder the meaning of life and write your novel.

The food court would serve Mr. MacGregor's Garden Salad, Princess-and-the-Pea Soup, Magic Bean Sprouts, Goldilocks' Porridge, Willy Wonka's chocolate bars, Stone Soup, and Snow White Apple Pie topped with Ambrosia Ice Cream.

We have enough malls devoted to the body--it's time for a mall of the mind and the heart. So if anybody has a few million to invest in a great new business proposition, send those checks and money orders to The Stark Raving Mythopath, and maybe next year Christmas shopping will be so much simpler and much more fun. . .at the Nerd Mall.

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