Saturday, February 4, 2012

Publishing Put-Downs of Biblical Proportions

Rejection is painful for any writer. But take comfort in knowing that even Bible authors may have faced those dreaded rejection slips.

Dear Solomon: To everything there is a season. Regrettably, this isn’t yours.

Dear Job:  Strong opening and conclusion. Cut the middle and resubmit.

Moses, posing for a book jacket
To David:  Sorry, there’s just no market for poetry—and your stuff doesn’t even rhyme.

Dear Moses: What? You think your words are written in stone? Lighten up.

To Whom It May Concern: Your writing has merit, but we don’t publish books anonymously. No exceptions. And since you failed to enclose an SASE, I will not be returning your parchment of “The Book of Hebrews.”

To Matthew:   Too many begats. We’ll pass.

To Jonah:  Quite a fish tale. Try Field and Stream.

Jonah on a book tour to Ninevah

To St. John the Divine: We can’t sell the “end times” to a contemporary audience. Get with it. . .or be left behind.

Apostle Paul gives a reading
To Solomon:  Your “Song” is too racy for our church-ladies demographic. Shame on you!

Greetings, Paul, Our Dear Brother in The Lord: The epistolary form is dead. Have you thought about doing your “letters” as a graphic novel? 

Dear Daniel: We have published three other dream books in the last year. But if you ever write a Travel Guide for Babylon, send it to us.

Daniel, dealing with rejection

Jerry: Bottom line: The working man won't put his money on the counter for a downer like "Lamentations." Can you rework it as "Ten Easy Steps to Health, Wealth, and Popularity"?

The prophet launches his publicity campaign
with "I Like Jeremiah" buttons,
available on

Dear Dr. Luke:  Your book does not meet current editorial needs. Sincerely, Pharisee Press.

Mr. Malachi:  Do the math. If people tithe, they’re going to have less money to spend on books. No sale. 

Dear James: We are rejecting your manuscript. Count it all joy.

1 comment:

  1. A fun blog! I especially liked what David received about non-rhyming poetry. That's what my blog is about tonight!